Yes, there is a good side of conflict.
I’ll admit I don’t like conflict. I’d rather avoid it because I’ve learned it can become emotionally exhausting. But there will be times when confronting an issue is unavoidable and there’s a real need to work through conflict. If we do it sensibly, our relationships become stronger. Stephen Matthew, author of “Rooting Out Relationship Killers” says it this way: Conflict resolution is a life-skill to learn and apply like a feed to the soil of your relationships.
Individual Differences Enrich Life
I’m not particularly fond of eating oysters. My husband, however, loves them. When we travel to the beach, and find ourselves near the oyster beds, his desire increases. We find our way to the fish market and buy a couple dozen still in their shells. Later they are put on the barbecue and drizzled with a bit of butter, garlic, and Parmesan cheese. This method of preparing them changed my thoughts about eating oysters. I actually did like them when done on the barbecue and ate two or three. My taste buds are broadened.
I drive out of the neighborhood using streets to the left, see yards full of flowers and neighbors out and about. And when hubby drives, he uses those going to the right, to arrive at the main street without added turns. At first this was frustrating and seemed like taking the long way around. Words were shared. Rather than feeling it had to be done one way, we agreed to let the other person choose their own path and enjoy the ride. Amazingly enough, both ways get us to our destination.
The Door of Compromise
The good side of conflict is often found through the door of compromise. Unless we want to be argumentative, compromise is how to find resolution. Good communication skills consist of both listening well and talking politely. Good listeners allow the other person to feel heard and validated. And by being gentle with our words, when stating the reasons for our differing viewpoints, we contribute more to a positive outcome than we ever will by speaking harshly, or becoming a control freak. The key is to speak the truth but do it in love. Tearing people down, humiliating others, having to be the victor, are never helpful. Finding ways to create a win-win, that puts needed change in place, is the best way to resolve conflict.
James 1:9 (NIV) My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Fight the Right Battles
Some conflicts are petty, like who takes the trash out or feeds the dog. Others arise because there is a real need to stop a bad habit from continuing. There could even be a life and death situation going on. These battles are worth fighting for. The addiction, the denial, the tearing down of relationships, indicates a desperate need for lifestyle change. The danger is real. The good side of these conflicts is only found in looking forward. What can the future look like if things change? Imagine the addict being set free. Envision building a solid marriage where you’ve got each other’s backs. Look to the day when family life improves and laughter is restored. There’s hard work to be done but these battles can end in victory.
Fight the right battles with hearts of love, looking for the good within the person. Separate who he/she is from the problem being addressed. Commit to loving the person and to solving the problem. Seeking outside help might be necessary. Step out in faith and be armed for battle. Pray for God’s guidance. The battle might endure; or end quickly. Be prepared. And look for the good in the conflict.
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
